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Monday, 4 November 2013

I Can't Write

"'s better to look at the sky than live there. Such an empty place; so vague. Just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear."
-'Breakfast at Tiffany's', Truman Capote

It's one of those nights where the quiet becomes an atmosphere, saturating me. As usual, I'm sat in my uni room, convinced everyone is having a better time than me. All I can hear is the endless exhale of the laptop - not even the sound of a clock ticking. The desk light pools a yellow glow, so I'm in this little island, surrounded by the dark.

I've been on the internet for a while - unsurprisingly, being a teenager. I know I'm looking for something, but I can't find it. Something aesthetically pleasing? Music to stir away apathy? Some sort of news or quote to start and create a chain of feeling? I'm looking at vlogs, blogs, watching a few seconds of music videos or film clips, searching through images and sounds. I know that what I'm looking for can't be found in make-up tutorials, in images of clean cut tailored outfits, or voices and rhythms.

I'm looking for inspiration. And it's hiding from me.

My move to university took an impact on my creative self. It takes a fairly long time for me to adjust to a new routine/life, so settling in with the workload was tricky, as well as having a slight identity crisis. With the opportunity to have a new life, I was free to be who I wanted to be. Unfortunately, I translated that as attempting to erase who I was, which killed my creative self. I couldn't face sitting down with the laptop, or having a pen and notebook, and my ideas and passion dried up. The things around me stopped having that magical potential, and I couldn't get into that writing state of part-meditation, part rush of outflow with a touch of near-hallucination.

It took time, and some great people around me, before I managed to let go of all the false balloons.

What I'm saying is that your creative self and the self that does the laundry, grocery shopping and sits in lecture halls are interlinked. Writer's block isn't just laziness, lack of creativity etc - it can be a symptom of a problem/discontent in your life. You don't have to change to be creative, become more "literary" or artsy, or wait till you're more mature. You're a writer already and at your peak right now. Of course you'll get better as time goes on, but that's for the future you to benefit from. As my co-writer Ollie wrote for his post 'The Staircase in the Rubble'; "so don't be dissuaded by failure, because failure is nothing more than fuel for your writing. Keep working on the staircase in the rubble."

Currently, I'm doing ok. I've asked for advice on keeping up with the reading and organising, and I haven't got a huge handful of friends, but the ones I have are great :)

As for the writing? Nanowrimo, we go ;)

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